<3

"He came like the wind. like the wind, touched everything.
and like the wind, was gone. "

RIP Robert Jordan. you are truly truly missed.

I can't believe it's been 2 years. ;_;

rabbitt,

I place a high price on my memories.
I try so hard to hold onto things.
That's the contradiction isn't it?
When you try to hold on, things are intentionally ripped from you.

You tell me:
"So many things really are out of your control...stop struggling."
Still, I can't bring myself to hold on too lightly--

Everything Changes.

Things are only going to get harder, right?

I wouldn't say I'm the biggest supporter of growing up...
certainly we've had our disagreements.
"Someday, these days, too, will be gone. only memories..."

We truly do live holding onto our feelings.

The air outside has shifted.
It smells like leaves and straw and apples.
I wonder if autumn is coming early this year.

Come here, old friend, let me whisper to you of how I've longed for your cool touch.
How I've missed your soft caress of my hair and cheek. 
The chilled kiss before the bite of winter.
I want to see your bursts of color.
Feel your long embrace.
Taste your bitter rain.

I will try not to get my hopes up.
I don't want to be left behind.
I don't want to forget.
I want to keep more than just some remembrance...
More than some distant, yet overwhelming feeling.

Some days it all seems like too much.
How we float thru life like fallen leaves...
At the mercy of the changing winds.

Beat down by the rains,
resting atop fresh snow,
clinging to the tree,
plucked by the hand of another...

how do you stand it, rabbitt?
this rampant running chance?

how do you stand the swirling activity?
how do you not mourn these disappearances?

where will we end up?

do you know the plans of the universe?
are you hiding some glimpse of the future,
while i mourn the loss of every single childhood?
and the most carefree of days...

and the annhilation of innocence.

I know what you are thinking.
someday, i will drown in this nostalgia.

Please tell me rabbitt, how can i not think everything, even the small things are not important?

"Beginnings come at random, but Endings always have meaning"

We have already lost so many things.
Even things we Loved.
The End is coming isn't it?
One more chapter to close into memory.
I come to Preservation just a little too late.
What am i going to do without you?
where is the strength that comes with being alone?

love,
mienai

 

"heavenly shades of night are falling..."

Admit something:

Everyone you see, you say to them, "Love me."

Of course you do not do this out loud, otherwise someone would call the cops.

Still, though, think about this, this great pull in us to connect.

Why not become the one who lives with a full moon in each eye

that is always saying,

with that sweet moon language,

what every other eye in this world is dying to hear?

--Hafiz

<3

"So leave me alone...
before
the strain
of listening to me
becomes more
than you can bear...
maybe this time,
we will be fine-
or else,
tomorrow
will be
lost..."


rabbitt,

sometimes going the wrong way is the right path.
we took the roundabout way, didn't we?

and now you are warm, and you know you have too much.
I don't mind carrying some of the burden for a while.
Don't worry about taking care of me.
I can look after you for once.
Is this that terrifying love we talked about?
I think maybe you just know me too well.

The truth is, that I don't know.
I don't know anyone's intentions.
I don't know if the game is honest.
I wonder if I've allowed a master player to distract me with simplicities.
I've found some peace,
but it's hard to steadily maintain this firm poker face.
I want to recklessly shout all of our secrets...

that would be unsafe.

I have to make allowances.

I want to believe we are more than just hearts
pulled by the tide...
endlessly dancing to the tune of the stars.

~i know your love is perfect~

but, please don't wake me...
maybe if I dream a little longer
these electric sounds will start to make sense.
There must be a message.
I think it's important.
I have missed you so much.

Everything takes on new meaning.
sounds better.
tastes better.

And yet it was fine before, wasn't it?
You know how I fear change...
but who can escape?
I never could run that fast.

these summer nights bathed in moonlight seem longer somehow...
maybe i misunderstood.
these droplets that stain our faces,
are they sweat or tears?

why do we have to choose?
perhaps we are the premonition of rain.

I promise to stand on my feet firmly.
it wouldn't do to be caught by the wind before the autumn
comes.
I long for another glimpse of silver eyes...
a dragonfly.
stealing my breath with a single smile-
gliding across the frozen water.
and yet,
we cannot stay here.

My wings are almost fully healed.
It feels natural to fly away.
To admire, to assist, from a distance.

I can't hide forever.
I can only hope to stand by, waiting it out.

This time is different.
i wanted a song bird.
"please sing, you have to sing..."
I'm sorry I thought to keep you in that cage with ribbons on the bars.

How can I cage something when I so desperately want to be free?

Even still, I realised you could've opened the door at any time.
I'm right back where I started.
I always wondered if I'd die young.

I can't stop staring at the sky.
it's the same star isn't it?

I can't let our hands interlock.
I can't let myself be touched by that careful pout.
You can't take care of me.

The other one was waiting there for me,
glowing pale, strong, still beautiful...
i wanted to call out to him-
I will always be too shy, won't i?
I'm afraid he won't remember--
those fingers which tangled effortlessly in my red-gold curls.

Graceful hand movements and colorful silk robes...
he didn't know i was a butterfly...

I thought everyone had forgotten.

But not you.

You wouldn't protect me from what i wanted.
You brought him to me,
wrapped in ivy.
I just wanted to take care of him.


But I'm not sure if I can.
you have to wake up.
your life feels so far along, but you're still dreaming.
"don't abandon me."

there are just so many birds.
maybe I can vanish in that flurry of blue and white wings.
retrace your steps.
see those places you once told me about.
I heard your lover died in your arms on a damp street

surrounded by towers and old things.

whispers.
"don't leave me."

sometimes going the right way is the wrong path.
perhaps i should disconnect.
i keep listening for morse code,
but
my head is filled with your radio silence.


love,
mienai

"In the sky
someone watches over me

You and I on this earth
with one moon circling"

*****


"cause I am like you say,
I'm a million times a day
I will bolt in like a storm
I'm the wish that keeps you going on
I'm addicted to your edge, climbed a mountain like you said
I'm gonna get into your head

I am like you too, that's a million times true
when you throw me like a stone
you're the one that keeps me moving on"

Michan,

Everyday I move closer to the source of your sadness.
Yet it sheds no light on your pain.
Smile, my invisible one--
so we will both be haunted.
I recognise that reflection in your eyes.
It's never good, is it?

Are your wings ready yet?
Fly, fly quickly.
Before you are discovered.

My love, you revealed your hand too soon, didn't you?
It's useless to say "you should have known better"
Your deeply-buried hope...I always thought it was adorably innocent.
But if you're not careful, it will bury you right along with it.


People don't know how to accept help.
They look so hard for the hook
kindness sneaks up on them.

Suddenly you are an enemy.

Your intentions don't matter.

How could you know?
You move so deftly in water, yet you are not a Fish.
Rippling in the sun,
those sparkling scales are fool's gold.

Perhaps it is there to teach you.
A private lesson.

Don't you believe you have learned so much already?

But not the inside. you are still locked out, surely and
tightly...
peering inside a tiny window, privy to the faintest of glimmers.
Yet, you see, further,
When you should be looking away.

It is easy to get caught in tornadoes.
The prevailing wind sweeps you off your feet all too swiftly.
If you don't stop spinning, you will drown in that sweet rain.

There is still a world full of wonders, my love.
More full than you could ever imagine.
With plenty of people to love you,
to hold you,
to tell you secrets,
and still more to abandon you.

Fly away.
Ignore the wind that tears at your wings.
Avoid those swollen clouds.

Still,
yes, you should've known better.
Beauty is no excuse.
Neither is compassion.
Not knowing.
None of this matters.
Hide your heart.
Keep walking.

I know you must be so tired of being a butterfly.

I remember what you told me.
those revelations cling to your skin
softly~
like the scent of peppermint

Even with my eyes closed I can pick out your aura.


melting...
shivering...
vivid colors...
a tear drop.
a sweat drop.

glistening

...ecstasy,

metal, wood.

violin strings.

you cannot stop dancing in time to the wind's melody.

you should know better.
let go.


overflowing love and gentleness,
rabbitt







"there's truth in the thunder
love in the lightning,
the feeling is frightening~
isn't it exciting?
i'm something like stormy weather,
if I weren't we'd never
huddle together...
do I have to tell you
that I'm also the sunlight,
that shines shortly after?
i just rain cause I have to-
on to a new chapter
i wish you lots of laughter
'til the next time you see me...
just remember you need me,

i'm the storm coming"

--Gnarls Barkley

"I spent some time around people,
but fidelity I neither saw nor smelled in them.
It’s better to conceal ourselves
from the eyes of the people,
like water in iron and fire in stone.”



--- Rumi

rabbit,

the rain has subsided.
I thought surely, surely, I’d be swept away by that torrid wind.
Even still I sat, rocking, singing to you.
I even foolishly hoped you’d come home.
It’s not just that I miss you, far away as you are.
Now the too-warm summer begins.
The tireless battle.

Who cast the first stone?
Perhaps I was less-than-wise to reach out even such a short distance.

My eyes, like the starry sky were so clouded.
Now, they will not focus.

Perhaps I’ve seen too many things.
Perhaps the cure is to see more.
Like the moon.

There are so many things we don’t know,
Even about the people we talk to everyday.

Secretly,
I started to appreciate love songs…
Maybe it has all just been a beautiful dream~

I wondered what you thought.
I’ll send a postcard.

People whirl in and out like dervishes in vivid colors…
What did you find in your spinning?
I become more and more pale.

Views change quickly.
I saw with my caged heart, a little.
It wasn’t what I thought,
And I ended up slightly surprised at your beauty.
I want to embrace you.
But I’m not there, yet.
I wonder if I ever will be.

Dragging my foots,
One after another.
Quickly, slowly.
Always, always looking for a way out.

You really weren’t what I expected.
You kept yourself hidden from me.

But still, there’s nothing to be done about it.

Let’s sit quietly,
Having great conversations with our eyes.

I can’t always find that mood.
Clearly, not everyone understands-
there are limits
even to freedom.

I hunt for silver eyes and pale feathers.
I see you sometimes in mountain and stream.
I live faerytales in moments.
I think we’re probably destined for meeting.
And parting.

Without speaking, we somehow take care of each other.
The things we are called link in the wind.

It doesn’t matter whether or not I need you.
That smile haunts me wherever I go.

love,
mienai

note to self:
self,
i plan to post some sort of "real" entry, soon.
(yours,
self)

***

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart) 
 
-ee cummings


no one, not even the rain has such small hands.

What hurts you, blesses you.
Darkness is your candle.
Your boundaries are your quest.

I can explain this, but it would break
the glass cover on your heart,
and there's no fixing that.
--rumi

"i will,i will take care of you," to everything that is near.
--Hafiz

rabbitt,

it would be good to see you again.

We could go far away from here and see the places that are calling my name with a sense of longing.
do you remember?

i started to wonder about faith.
about the intentions of people.

I'm almost scared to get close to you.
even you.
what have i turned into?
I never did mind being cold.

even on the sad days it felt...normal.
it felt safe.

every day this existence becomes more and more dangerous.
who will we hurt?
how will we be hurt?

wheels are already spinning.

i miss him, too.

i ran so quickly for
just one small taste of rain...

spring hasn't arrived yet,
winter hasn't left either.

i'm afraid summer will sneak up on me,
bringing unwanted things.

i have become so selfish.
you'd be disappointed in me.
i smile when other people smile.
i've stolen the heart of laughter.

i can no longer give you what you want.
i walked just a little further and was in another country completely.

i keep searching for wildly beautiful things.
and tear up at seeing
so many things i can't keep.

like you and me and that other one.
we belong to no one.
sending and receiving like little arrows.

oh i have changed.
you wouldn't recognise me on sight, now.

i can't make you happy.
i worry about how all of this will end.
why do some things hurt,
when others have no meaning?

should i worry
that the day is not far off that this thick skin becomes armor?

i follow, searching for beauty.
especially for my own.

somethings are bigger than others,
blood flows, but the wound is invisible...

sometimes, i'm exhausted.
and static.
i'm not sure of what's actually good for me.
a tiny breath~
i'm falling from the sky--
will i break?

i am journeying to the ocean of meanings...
perhaps i should feel more sorrow instead of just confusion.
or just feel more.
but i don't actually want that.
i'm hiding from the sun.

the ocean of meanings...
the garden...

i don't want to hurt you.
i will meet you there.


look for me.
i will be the painfully blooming flower,
covered in rain.

love,
mienai

kagome took this and mentioned me in her post so i figured i'd try it. lol
the questions were kinda hard and didnt quite fit me, but, still kinda interesting (not too far off) XD

Your result for The New Greek Goddess Archetype Test...

You are Artemis!

The Goddess of the Hunt, Animals, and the Young

Take The New Greek Goddess Archetype Test at HelloQuizzy

a happy accident.

buffalo was so good to me.

seeing everyone made my soul happy,
and i found so many old things.

i was happy to see aki as much as i did.

i wish i could've seen more of everyone.

the time was too short.

i got good hugs outta the deal tho ^_~

i went skating~it hurt my feet but i was doing pretty good at the end ^o^

ahh, tim hortons<33333.  that's all i need to say, really.

i'm sorry for those i didn't get to see...:(

but i got to see some people and hear some things i didn't expect. (robots! and pianos <3 oh how i envy your simple hands.)

everything was delicious. 

yesterday i suddenly had a long conversation with mr. richmond. :D
it's been too long. 
he was always one of my favorite people and it made me feel happy and grateful.
he was always looking out for me, and he gives out kindness without preamble.
he doesn't exprect anything either.  lovely~

he and i are so much alike.
i was very surprised.

today i got a fortune cookie that said "you have a friendly heart and are well admired."
...
^_^/
well, erm...thanks, universe.  XD

aki: i started thinking of that sushi chef at kuni's the other day, then i thought of you and started laughing on the train in the middle of everyone <3

makochan: i think there are squirrels in the attic. monkey!

michikochan: omg, the lead singer of abs is tmr! gasp!

i brought back tim horton's coffee, which is now nhat's version of crack.
i want to see coraline.
i'm most of the way thru the first dark tower...we'll see how far i get before i reread something else. XD

i have my kokonoka stuff <3 writing materials ftw. 
here's to a someday-completed story.
menuki, how i've missed you my dear.
i can't wait to start.

also.  im thinking of drawing more.

i love music. more. i'm a bit lost.

upon coming back, i learned some things.  how should i feel?

the universe presented me a small opportunity.  i didn't take it.
it's probably for the best.

looking thru old photos made me smile though I was a bit sad.
Hans' light was so brilliant, and everyone was more innocent.
those days were so free and easy.
phil was so pretty back then...
when i see him now i almost want to be angry with him for wasting that beauty.
i mourn it.
if i could give you back your innocence, i would.  in a second, without question.
even if you misunderstand my kindness, i only ever wanted you to succeed.

adventure cards and comics looks like a wilting plant.
i wonder if it will be put out of it's misery.
people grow up too fast. others stay the same, even if unseen.

in some ways i felt so at home, being back, but underlyingly, i was still a visitor.
maybe i've gotten a little too used to the differences.

reading rumi and hafiz again.  somehow thief of sleep and the gift got lost so ill have to rebuy them.
super soul nourishment.

thats all i can say here, now.

"When will we disappear into the days’ design?
Ever being, always seeing, never dying...
Like a random rain cloud that passes the sky...
Just moving on..."

~suki dakara suki~

oh, dragonfly~
i can't shake you
you land softly on my shoulder,
but when you lightly fly away,
your heavy spirit remains....

floating emptily on the wind,
I long for wings like yours~

they say it will fade,
this stunned memory of our collision
but if it means I'll forget,
maybe I'd rather keep hurting~

I want to see you.

A clear path is deceiving
Even tho I can see you closely
when I reach out I still strike solid glass
unable to break through~
a blue light inside of me glows fiercely,
refusing to be ignored.

walking slowly on rocky ground
i envy your graceful speed
the ease with which you dance upon water

I like you because I like you
I don't need a better reason.

***

~i wrote this a while ago.
nothing much has changed.~

sometimes you wonder if people are who you think they are.
it's easy to deceive yourself, isn't it?
i could be wrong in other ways.
a small glimpse of you.
you could really be who i thought you were, after all.
really?
really.
do you know what you want, at least?

for once i do, actually.  i really do.

lend me some of your loveliness.
i want to be near you.
just close.

every moment is full of things you don't expect.
you're smarter than me, so I want to ask you something...
beauty fades. memory fades.

please tell me,
what lasts forever?

thanks for being kind to me.

-- hikaru utada
 

 

 

i'll warn everyone ahead of time this will probably be complete randomness.

I've had a post half-written for, like, forever. 
Of course it's old now, so there's no use in finishing it.
quick update:
I finally got out of that TERRIBLE job, and into a much much better one.  funny thing is i'm working now for one of the companies I used to audit.  It just happened that way.  The whole affair seemed pretty divinely guided.  When I was living back in Buffalo, not having a job never seemed that scary.  Being an adult totally can be completely annoying, so don't grow up too fast, kids!  But really, I'm lucky.  I try not to complain.  The people I work with are pretty nice, and the pay is better and the work is too, especially now that we're doing everything paperless...when I had to file I figured i would eventually bleed to death from papercuts.  The company actually HAS an HR dept, and for the most part, no real problems, especially now that orientation is over.  People could communicate things better, but you take what you can get.
I notice because of the environment of negativity I was in so long before, there are some lingering effects...i'm trying to just work hard and do what I need to do and ignore the inner reen-like voices.  (that was a mistborn reference).

speaking of mistborn, get it.  it's fabulous. I haven't liked a series this much since Harry Potter.  Once I started, I had. to. finish, and I even bought the Hardcover of the 3rd one.  The only other series' I've ever done that for is Wheel of Time and HP. 
My Wheel of Time read-through is finished, but I keep wanting to go back and read Eye of the World. for like the 50th time.  But if I do that I'll never get through anything else.  I've been meaning to start Dark tower for over a year now...~_~ 
Speaking of Eye of the World, for anyone who has read it, my starchannie made me a replica of the chest from the end with the horn and the dragon banner and the seal.  wai~that is one of my favorite presents of all time and I would've never thought to make something like that.
I really am blessed ;o;!

I also got the limited edition of Beedle the Bard as a holiday gift <3 it's beautiful but I almost feel like "maybe I shouldn't touch it too much...XD"

The holidays were more difficult than enjoyable this year.  I was anticipating them so much that when they came i felt very..."oh you mean it's done?" I guess i like the buildup.  I was disappointed, too, because I had to cancel my buffalo trip.  I so needed a break and had been looking forward to being on Elmwood in the holiday bustle, but some other year maybe.  LuckilyI was able to re-book for 31 Jan-7th feb, and as aki pointed out, I'll be in the city for atleast 2 b-days.  things work out.  it will be lovely, and i can't wait <3  This years winter is so warm though, so it's hard to feel like all that waiting throught such a hot summer was worth it.  I feel like autumn passed me by completely.  I'm forgetful about the fact that the year has changed.  I don't feel like anything's different.  I hear all around me "i have so much hope for this year!"  i want to have those positive thoughts but they don't seem important.  Should I worry about this indifference?  I'm just taking it one step at a time, so I don't feel quite so overwhelmed.

This week is taking forever, last week did too.  i shouldn't complain because the time passes by so quickly now, the older i get.
I want it to be the weekend though.  i'm want to see the AHL all-star skills competition.  Luckily they're showing it here locally, so I can record it.  This makes for happy bunny. gooo cumi-chan~***
i have been watching so much hockey my head is spinning @_@
this is a good pain, right? maybe i took an elbow to the head :-P

I still need to get my skates sharpened and lace-up and fall on my butt a few times, and get back to form.  The more i watch these guys skate, the more I miss it.  Though i've always kind of missed it...

yesterday the company bought us lunch and ran the inauguration live on the projector in the conference room.  I was sitting there watching it thinking "someday maybe as an old woman i can tell children about this moment...think of all the stories I can tell of life."  I think things like that too, sometimes while listening to NHL talk radio and they say things so casually about how this person will be one of the greatest players or most remembered...i don't think too far in the future, i guess because I don't see it as a guarantee.  It's not that I don't plan for it, or i'm unaware of it, but it's hard to think outside of now sometimes.  that someday you may make it to be a grandmother, or that lovely old woman down the street.  i've always loved storytellers, so i can hope for that someday, and tell stories now, too.  But I can't picture myself as "old."  Maybe i'm thinking of getting to 30 as an accomplishment.  XD  maybe i should think that way.  It's hard for me to think of myself in the distant future.  will i make it?  i see people on the train everyday wearing wedding rings...i think "weren't you scared? how did you possibly reach that decision? what does your life mean?"  i wonder sometimes if the way i view things isn't entirely skewed.

On sunday I watched TMR's sonic warp for the first time in...years, maybe.  The memories associated with that 20 or so minute disc are incredible.  I felt sad when it skipped a bit because it was so scratched.  I still go crazy for Lovesaver. It reminded me sooo much of things like tea parties and going out with aki and michiko and visiting sandy.  I watched it twice and sang along.
I picked up my photobook of tonari no shibafu, and just paged through it.  It still makes me smile.  I find it pretty hard to keep up with him now, but I still listen.  I still remember.

i'm addicted to ayumi hamasaki's "green"  i think it's a masterpiece.  when i think of the translation i feel like i should've written it.  it's everything i've been wanting to say and everything i've been feeling exactly.  and the music is LOVE.  and i adore the way she sings it.  i listen to it too much probably...when i'm not listening to koda kumi's "taboo" which i also adore.  i've been retreating into music a lot lately.
or maybe just remembering that it's my true love.  i'll get there someday right?

we went to h-mart on saturday and i found meiji's melty-kiss.  <333...lol i love the name. also, delicious.  i appreciate so much that you can only find these in winter.  let's share before they disappear like snow in spring!  

how many people have really changed?

i didn't really say anything did i?
oh well, that's actually pretty common.
 

smile in full bloom~

rabbitt

"Sometimes I forget completely what companionship is.

Unconscious and insane, I spill sad energy everywhere.

My story gets told in various ways:
a romance, a dirty joke, a war, a vacancy.

Divide up my forgetfulness to any number, it will go around.

These dark suggestions that I follow, are they part of some plan?

Friends, be careful. Don't come near me out of curiousity, or
sympathy."

-Rumi

~...i just have so little patience of late...~

i always look out the side window.
every morning.
the snow has been so late this year, i envied the mountains their frozen whiteness.

this morning, too,
i looked out the window.
i thought "oh that white, it's just the morning light off of the rooftop...wishful thinking"

but it was moving~
so i looked out the balcony door...

and immediately started singing "winter wonderland"

something about it just made me feel so peaceful and happy.

so i kissed my kitty on the head and bundled up.
don't wear chucks (converse) in the snow people.
i don't know how i somehow forgot that that is never a good idea.

~he'll say "are you married?"
we'll say "no man,
but  you can do the job while you're in town..."

<3

enjoy today everyone.

i found out today too, there's this little korean deli/cafe in the building next to us.
ahhh, lovely ^_^/
update journly-entry forthcoming.
for anyone who cares.
or doesn't.

picture was taken from the file room at work.  the view from the 10th floor is sooo nice.
the view from the conference room is even more breathtaking.  it looks out over the mountains <3
i look everytime i walk by *_*