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everywhere is falling everywhere

"Unconcious and insane,
I spill sad energy everywhere.
My story gets told in various ways:
A romance...
A dirty joke.
                                
A war.

A vacancy."                            
rabbitt,

I need you.  I know we've both gone so far, been gone too long and forgotten the way home.
We have learned and loved and hurt and smiled.
We are blind with things we long to forget and wishing we could conjure up images of the memories we've lost.
I still believe in you.
We are both Wilde darlings~
There is too much music in my head and not enough talking.
Sometimes I don't know how I fit into these places.
I end up in strange lands, hardly remembering my feet moving, and the paths that took me there.  I could be able to fly and not even know it.


 

More and more I'm reminded of how I cannot make everyone happy. 

"crimson lips to rose wine"

Some of these days it seems I can't make anyone happy.
Making or Keeping?
it seems both are slippery in the hands.  They drop and wash away.

"i hate to lose~"

but I fade.
I know these stories.  Faery tales and Archetypes.  These myths that cycle over and over.  We are textbook lessons.  We are flow charts.  We are Venn diagrams.  Chalk board sketches.  Playground figures.

In one version I am the Hero~
the, next the Villain...
I know your question...
where is my sense of fun?
Isn't it much easier, being the villain?

I told you I know this story.  It's the same story.  I know the beginning, the middle, the ending...
I've written it.
I've read it aloud.
I've bought it.
I've thrown it away.
Insulted it.
Recommended it.
Reviewed it.
LIVED IT.

I've heard that she is the good daughter, and the bad son.
They say that we can be anything in this world. 

are you ready?
 
After all, you made me.
 
I made you too.
I miss you.  Everyday.
Lions and carrots and bears.

I run from sorrow and dive headlong into misery.
Why am I drowning?
I used to be able to swim so well...

I am the clumsiest of Hearts.

These days feel like autumn.
They smell like apples.
They fall like leaves.
Feathers hang from my ears like rain.

I can't meet you.
I couldn't make it.
I wanted to see you.
I still do.
I just kept running.

there are places I cannot yet go...
(while I am still invisible~)

~no kindness goes unpunished~

You already know my secret.
I disguised my truth inside of it...
I long for pretty wrappings~

but...
I'm no Beauty. 

I'm not sure I can be what you need.
not now. not ever.
I'm not looking forward to breaking.

These creatures I meet along the road.
what is their purpose?

I want to, and do feel grateful. and terrified. and inadequate.
their presence and gifts, laughter and fascination.
You always said I needed to learn to hide better.

I cannot give up those things so easily.
Even with colateral.

and this automatic worry for everything and everyone else...
i can't give that up either, can I?

Still, I miss you.
I want to see your eyes and hands and your pretty mouth.
to have you blink at me in surprise,
and squint at me warmly.


"focus. course~
trust, not trace.
flow, not force.
SOUL. not face."

the natives wonder how I've come here,
when it's invisible from outside.
it's a test.
their eyes tell them they've brought me here...
though I too, am invisible.
I have a ghost to keep.  I'm honest but protected.  I'm fragile, but I'm not so easily broken.
maybe I hide better than I thought.

but I trust worse.

I want to see those places.
You always said I was meant for more.
Finally I believed you.
Now I must escape.

~I can't count on your for everything~
I cry out only in a tiny voice. to you.

"I don't know where to go~
I don't know what to do~"

I stare up at the shared sky looking for guidance~
I tread light in the clouds, swimming in silver~
"your songs remind me of swimming~"

I will only disappoint you.
I've warned you so many times.
There's no such thing as good enough.

"no one will love you as you are."

have I reached this final, painful truth?
the complete understanding of those words?

I am a puzzle of scars and flaws.
I couldn't bring you damaged goods.
I run when I should stay.
I have everything backwards.
I wish you were here.  Then maybe I could explain myself to myself.  maybe these wings would heal a little.

I want so bad to have that time with you.
For you to settle and settle in.
But I can't allow it.
Not for you, not for him, not for anyone.
I don't understand what complete is.
what breeds this unique, mysterious fascination.

his fast fingers in keys on the violin strings...
can you give me this image?

who can make music with their fingers?
who can make music with their mouth?
I tells stories with my eyes.
I am strong in spirits to knock you out sweetly.

Did you think of me, that time?
I let you down.
I would have if I could have.
I need to regain my sense of adventure~

I've run a sword through my own selfishness.  I know you were betting on a different fight.  The cheers echo in my ears towards the future that never had a chance.
I should have cried when I was able.
The truth is, it hurt too much.
More than I could ever tell you.

I loved your hair the color of pale roses~
I am not enough.  I will never be enough.  Battle strength.  Pain at the bend.  circular steps.  Enough wit and wisdom to fool.  I am an illusion.  A rabbitt in a hat. a card trick.  A woman on a piano.

I cannot amount to what matters most to you.
unequal. The facade crumbles. I crumble.  divided by subtractions.  bits of numbers on the ground.  who is the betrayer? who lurks?

"I am in all things"

I step onto a white square. laughter.
I step onto a black square. destruction.

I step onto a white square. possibilities.
I step onto a black square. stalemate.

we continue to sit on our hands.
unwinnable chess game.
every move painful. some, fatal.

can't shift.
can't lose.
can't break.

I am the queen and the pawn.
presently nowhere.
fully caged.

you are the gambler.
you smile and smile, ever the villain with the face of an angel.

i am flying.i can fly after all~
i am searching for lies among the flowers.

they're orchids.

"these words mean nothing."
people say things so casually.
not this time.
"is this the truth?"

"yes. a thousand times yes."

I longed for the autumn days to come...
cool, crisp.
I realise the inside is much colder.

the winter is coming~
I need more grace than I thought.

Love,
mienai

 
 

Comments

( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
knightabraxas
Aug. 26th, 2010 07:25 am (UTC)
i love you, and i miss you, and i hope you catch a break with money and a new place soon. please write me back!

i want you to meet michael. you will LOVE him.
mienaiusagi
Aug. 26th, 2010 10:04 pm (UTC)
I love you and miss you! <3
I plan to write you from hawaii.

It's been a little too busy/crazy of late X_X

i can't wait to meet him! I'm going to try to plan a visit (a short one) for the end of this year to maybe see my nephew (and you, of course, and maybe thomas)
knightabraxas
Aug. 27th, 2010 01:37 am (UTC)
you're going to hawaii? did you tell me that? i had a hard time catching what you were saying the last time we spoke via phone.

and yayyyyy!
mienaiusagi
Sep. 5th, 2010 04:47 am (UTC)
i am writing you a long ass letter. hopefully i finish before i leave.
knightabraxas
Sep. 5th, 2010 05:54 am (UTC)
excitement!
mienaiusagi
Sep. 5th, 2010 06:07 am (UTC)
sorry in advance for rambling angst, ne?
knightabraxas
Sep. 5th, 2010 04:24 pm (UTC)
i could tell just by how you said it that there would be. gotta get it out somewhere, right?
mienaiusagi
Sep. 7th, 2010 08:55 pm (UTC)
ahh, well, maybe i shouldn't send it?
knightabraxas
Sep. 8th, 2010 03:43 am (UTC)
just send it!!!!
mienaiusagi
Sep. 9th, 2010 08:11 pm (UTC)
to what address? (it's done!)
knightabraxas
Sep. 10th, 2010 09:44 am (UTC)
51 elmwood apt c 14201
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )

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